the fear in my body is crippling. my breath is short. my stomach is tight. my heart is racing. my mind is a fog.
i want to run away from myself. i am sitting. but i feel like i want to get out of my body and flee. or is it the other way round. does my body want to get out and flee? and i am keeping it steady?
i am just writing an email. i have been writing it and rewriting it, editing it and fixing it for the past hour. i am completely taken by it… i dont know if i was even breathing at all. my whole mind and body and soul is taken up by it.
now that it is sent, i feel myself descending back to reality. my body is calming down. my breathing is slowing down.. my throat is still blocked. my heart is slowing down.
my window is open, i hear the birds and the noise from the street again.
my body hurts. my throat hurts. i want to cry. this was tough. this fear is so deep. the fear of messing up. the fear of doing something wrong.. of hitting the wrong tone…of making a mistake… of saying the wrong thing.. of getting rejected… of getting scolded… humiliated… interrrupted..
it is a core wound…
or is it a wound? is this the earliest memory, or experience that has formed this fear? a child that was scolded, humiliated, or cornered because they messed up?
i dont know… maybe it is.
exposed...
is that it?
am I afraid to be exposed? to be pretending? am i pretending to know? when i really dont know? am i pretending to be perfect when i am really imperfect? am i pretending that am i whole when i am full of faults?
does it go away?
the fear?
or do i just let it be?
The body keeps the score. Yoga heals.